Ramblings

I don't feel like posting anything but I knew you were all craving something so I thought I would post this up.

Did you know that in Mexico candy stores also sale booze? True story I guess this saves time. Kids go get the daily tequila and pick up a treat for yourselves!

So I guess that is about it.

I Have Had an NDE

Hello, my name is Lord and I would like to share an experience with you. I died back in(insert fictitious date here) and while dead had an NDE or NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE for those of you not in the know. Of course I sprung back to life later.....or did I.......hmmmmmm interesting thought. Perhaps I am actually in hell and this is my punishment for eternity........

Back to the NDE......

So I was chillin at home one night and whoops forgot to tell you about how crappy my life was growing up......

Dad and Mom were poor so we never had anything. I worked my butt off and gave it all to them. Dad whipped me with his belt while mom beat me with kitchen utensils. At the ripe old age of eight I was forced into life as a male gigolo and began to administer random acts of kindness to older men (for the naive please read between the lines). My life sucked so I decided to make it better but no matter how I tried I failed so as I was saying....

I was chillin at home one night when all of a sudden in the wink of an eye a Cadillac Sedan passed me by.....whoops those are the words to Hot rod Lincoln.....

So there I was chillin when long story short I croaked, ate the dirt sandwich, checked out, passed away, died, went to see my maker, bit the dust, crapped out, started to rot, checked out, stepped into the casket, you know died as in DEAD!

Don't ask what killed me cause I don't know. What I do know I will relay in the following story:

So there I am chillin and all of a sudden I am looking down on myself and going, "man this is wack I look so fat, I should go to the gym." and then it hits me, man this ain't right. About this time I am whisked away to some strange land where there is so much love an beauty. The colors were so vivid and strange like nothing on earth. I was communicating with, well I really don't know what but I was communicating just the same. All of my questions were answered immediately and so since I knew everything, I started to check out the new diggs. I walked past a building that was a library and thought cool since I haven't had answers to all my questions yet I will go in and check it out but then I realized I already Had all my questions answered except one...why the heck is there a library when all your questions have already been answered? Wait a minute if I knew all then why did I need to walk around the new diggs wouldn't I already know what it looked like and where it was and wait a minute I smell a rat!

So I went in the library and looked in one of the giant tomes and it said....quit tellin stupid lies about the afterlife. What a dumb book!!!

So some old lady came up to me but she wasn't really old cause everybody was the same age, about 23, and said, "yo what's your name?" and so I introduced myself, "Westin Allen." She then said so Allen you know it is not your time....huh Allen I told her my name was WESTIN ALLEN what a dumb dead lady, couldn't be related...or could she....shouldn't I already know since all my questions were answered? Now this is a dilemma....

I think it was my 26th great grandmother the queen of England and so.....

I felt this giant sucking sound and then I was back in my body, but I had full knowledge of what I had seen. I also remembered all my questions that had been answered and so I am now the richest and most famous person on the earth....

Wait a dern minute I am not....I think none of this happened. I hate NDE!!!!

I hope I never have another NDE/dream as it gets my hopes up and then dashes then to the ground when I find out it wasn't real.....but wait......

I could right a book and make millions, millions I tell you.

A subliminal message was included in this blog which will force you to go buy my book when it is released and then encourage your Friends to buy it also....

Excellent (I say this while tapping my fingertips together) excellent!!!!!!

Now what......

Oh shite it is the piebald face coming in for the kill. Help me hippoman I am in trouble....

The purple fields of foliage are so beautiful where is particle man?

I sit among the pansies looking for gold with a triangle and a Rolex which doesn't work for protection.

I know no comments on this one way to -out there- for yall.

I say comment or die lame excuses for relatives.

Watch out for the NDE don't let it get you!!!!!!

http://www.lakepirateforums.com/Forums/viewtopic/t=10290/start=0.html

For those of you who don't know, we have been recieving an inardinate amount of rainfall lately which has led to severe flooding around our dear Texas. The link above will take you to a web site that shows arial photos of Lake Texoma, about 1 mile form whre I live, and other lakes in the area.

Should give you and idea of the terrain around the area.

Our house came within two inches of flooding, see photo



We have been getting several inches of rain each day most of it coming in one or two hour bursts. When I say several inches I am talking 5 to 10 inches in one or tow hours. Totally crazy.

My lawn is about 2 feet high as it has been too wet to mow. I am heading to Michigan this week and so my lawn will be really crappy when I get back and I will take about 7 hours to mow, assuming it dries out.

Goodnight yall I gotta go!

Oh yeah about Horace

The Horace story is true except for the squirrel thing. I threw that in just to shake it up a bit. All of the lines used in the story were actually uttered during a company training meeting by old Horace.

I actually wrote down the sayings as he said them and put them in context so I could remember for later. With a little artistic liscence (not much) the story below was born.

Must have been one of the weirdest experiences of my life!

Horace

It all started with Horace, or as he preferred to be called, Carp. Horace thought being called Carp was a real belly busting nick name derived from his last name, Carpenter. When old Carp would meet new folks he would always say, "You can call me Carp, like the fish, and no I am not a bottom feeder."

The first time I met Carp he was dressed in what I came to know was his standard issue light grey almost blue 100% polyester dress pants with a white dress shirt. I don't know where he found them but these pants were unique to say the least.

They rode his hips like fry sauce on a tater and had one of those special little flaps of material with a button hole in it that could be secured about halfway round the side of his waist. the front of these pants were plain, and I mean plain nothing there, no pleats no style no nothing. Much like spandex biker shorts his pants clung to every bulge and crevice of his body like a tape worm to an intestine outlining his trouser snake like a ten pound turd in a five pound bag. Carp never seemed to notice.

He had a habit of sitting on the edge of a table when he would talk, and if you were sitting in a chair the show would begin. He must have had that thing trained with all the gyrations and acrobatics it would go through while he talked. Of course everyone tried not to look but like lookey loo's at a traffic accident it was hard to help it.

Now you may be wondering why anyone would be sitting down while ole Carp was a jib jabbing away, why a person wouldn't just leave so as to avoid the "show." You see Carp was a motivational speaker hired by the corporate big wigs to try and motivate and invigorate the company employee's. Actually he wasn't hired directly but by default he is what we got. Originally there was another more qualified speaker who was supposed to come but she backed out at the last minute and recommended Carp. Whether this was a trick used by motivational speakers to give work to Carp I don't know but Carp was working and so was his little friend.

I don't know if Carp lived in a van down by the river but I do know he was as strange as a duck fart in a movie theater.

Carp would start off his motivational speech by saying, "Whoo, I got blind stabbed lucky to get this little doobie. If old Betsy Wetsy hadn't got sick I wouldn't have ever had this chance to meet you fine folks." At this point I should add that Carp sounded like Earnest T from the Andy Griffeth show.

As the verbal prowess continued to flow from his mouth and the acrobatics in his pant commenced he would say something like, "What are you guys looking at? The look on your faces is really starting to freak me out." Once when a fellow peer tried to ask him a question Carp responded with, "It doesn't matter if your left leg is up the sun is shining and it is a half moon it just doesn't matter!"

One of the human resource people that were there said something like, At our company we use had wipes to clean our hands instead of soap as it is more environmentally friendly, to which Carp responded, "Well whoopdidadgumdoo!"

At this point I was having a hard time holding in my laughter and carps trouser snake was giving me the old shut up gesture so I started to write down his sayings rather than take notes as I felt this was a better use of my time and would perhaps allow me to miss out on most of TS's antics. (TS is short for trouser snake)

It was at his point when out of the blue, previously he had been talking about raising minature horses, he exclaimed, "Watermelon? Some eat it!" Huh? So I wrote it down. when talking about something difficult he would say, "it will be like trying to push a wet noodle up a 45 degree slope." Yeah old Carp had a million of them and they just kept coming.

At times I felt as if I were inside a Stephen King novel expecting Carp to shed his human skin and allow his reptilian self out for a snack. When excited he would exclaim, "mugguly, mugguly, mugguly or hookagoochi's." He also had a knack for using acronyms that only he knew what they meant. An example of this would be, "I put an RFP to the PMP who gave me a SOW to put into the WBS as specified in the PMBOK." What the crap er carp?

About this time is when it started to get weird. Carp started to dance around like his tail was on fire and his ass was catching. He asked on of my fellow workers to see if he could do any better. He started to talk about breeding horses and how he had seven hundred mini steers or some such. I started to wonder if he was running some type of animal human sex farm like Doctor Morreua.

Several times I thought I was going to die of laughter or fright or both, didn't know. By now carp was sweating like Lance Armstrong at the halfway point. Only thing was now old trouser bob was looking as if he was going to poke his way out of the dime store pants and attack at any moment. The more excited Carp got the more excited TS got until......

You remember the little flap of cloth holding the pants together? Well the button snapped right off there from all the pressure and out popped..........

A small squirrel........

It seems old Carp liked to have a little company down in his pants for motivation when motivationally speaking and things had gotten little out of hand....er....in squirrel hands.....

After apologizing and while the police cuffed him and the squirrel and hauled them off to wherever they take squirrel molestors....

Carp asked, "whoopdidagumdoo that was exciting, when would you all like me to come back and finish what I started?"